Confessions of a Clumsy Christian

clum·sy

Pronunciation: \kləm-zē\

1 a

: lacking dexterity, nimbleness, or grace b : lacking tact or subtlety
2 : awkward or inefficient in use or construction : unwieldy
synonyms
see “awkward”

You could definitely describe me as “lacking dexterity, nimbleness, or grace”. This is true of my physical self, as most of you are aware, but it is also a far too appropriate description of my spiritual life. My good friend and pastor Jacob Vanhorn recently posted this quote on Twitter, and it resonated with me intensely:

“A member of a group can survive outside the group, but a member of a body dies outside the body.” -Ben Patterson

These words struck my heart when I read them this morning, as I’ve allowed so many “things” (life) to get in the way and overshadow my commitment to God, and to my church, Soma Austin. Ask anyone close to me, and they’ll tell you I’ve been different lately. I’ve been depressed, negative, sarcastic, and joyless. I’ve been picking at my husband, starting completely unnecessary arguments and tiffs that breed resentment in my marriage. I allowed myself to become discouraged and disheartened when I weighed in last Saturday and realized I hadn’t lost any weight since the previous week. I’ve had a listless, melancholy attitude, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed.

It wasn’t until I began reading ‘Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life’ by Donald Whitney with my friend Emily that I started to connect my recent lackluster spirit to the fact that I hadn’t been to church in over a month. I haven’t gone to a service, I’ve been to my Missional Community only once in the last month, and I have not made time to fellowship, share, and just spend time with my friends in far too long. Another big one: I haven’t been spending time in the Word.

I’m realizing more and more that my spiritual life and my walk with God so directly affect the rest of my life (duh!). I’m committing this week to re-establishing my place in my church family, and submerging myself in God’s Word, discipling myself as a means of unparalleled spiritual liberty.

Me and Him, Him and Me

On our honeymoon, March of 2008.

Here goes nothing…

…or something.

Something big, actually. Something completely blog-worthy, in my humble opinion!

I’ve started this blog to document the next year of my life, as I embark on, and am hopefully successful in, a substantial weight-loss journey. I have also begun my own life makeover, beginning with the most important part of my life, and of me, which is my faith. My (awesome) bud Emily (www.plasticcupcake.com) is leading me in discipleship for the next year, and I’m extremely excited to see what comes out of that, and how our relationship, and my relationship with God, grows and becomes deeper and more profound.

For the discipleship part, we’re beginning with daily quiet times reading a chapter a day in the book of John. We’ll email each other our thoughts on each book, and I think it’ll be a fun way to keep in touch, and a daily reminder that I am constantly changing and evolving as a person.

For the weight loss, I have chosen to start the Nutrisystem meal delivery plan. I’ve heard really good things about this system, and I know people who have been very successful on it. I’m not going to do it for the whole year, probably just for the first 30 pounds or so, then I want to get back to making my own meals, because cooking is one of my passions! That will probably end up being another big part of this blog… food stuff! I love food. I love cooking it, eating it, learning about it, etc. I’m a self-labeled foodie, so there will be plenty of recipe entries, I’m sure.

Life has just been getting away from me lately (I say lately, I mean for years) and I’ve let things get out of control. My wonderful husband Stephen and I have both put on weight in the last couple of years, and although mine is significantly more substantial, we both need to learn good habits where food is concerned. I have always been an emotional eater, and I’m an emotional person, so you can imagine where that’s gotten me. Big. That’s where it’s gotten me. I’m not ready to post The Number, but I’m sure I will eventually, once I’ve started making some progress. I will say, that The Big Goal is 100 pounds. I’m not looking at that number, really, because I don’t think it’s healthy. I’m looking at that as 5 20-pound goals. 20 sounds a lot more attainable than 100, dontcha think?

One of the important parts of this (and any goal) is measurability. I want to set realistic goals that I can gage on a daily or weekly basis, so that I’m constantly aware of my progress (or lack thereof). As much as I would love the weight to come off steadily and consistently for the next year, I am a realist by nature, and I understand that this is unlikely. There will be bumps in the road, there will be plateaus. I’m ready, I think. No, I know. I am. I’m ready.

The really cool thing about this time in my life is that I am EXCITED. Every day. Really! I have a lot of things to be excited about. Look, I’ll prove it:

1. I have an amazing husband. We met in 10th grade. We were lab partners in geology class, and I tricked him into believing I could hold my breath for 5 minutes. We didn’t run in the same circles then, but 10 years later, after an engagement for me and a 6-year stint in the US Army for him, he tracked me down. Thank you Myspace! He found me, and, long story short, we were married 2 years later (in March of 2008). He is handsome, loving, passionate, patient, and kind. He knows me better than I know myself. He loves God and makes an effort every day to make our lives better. I am SO LUCKY.

2. I’m about to start losing weight for the first time in nearly 10 years. Since I was 19, it’s been going on, and it hasn’t been coming off. It’s going to feel good. Really good. I feel like a completely different person than I see in the mirror. I know that probably doesn’t make much sense, but that’s the only way I know to describe it. I feel like I’m a fun person, I have so much to give, but this body keeps me grounded so much of the time, and it holds me back from being the person I want to be. I want to be active. I want to volunteer, cook, run, swim, hike, etc. Hopefully, as the weight comes off, I’ll be able to do more of those things.

3. I am actively working on my personal relationship with Jesus, every day. That is something I haven’t been able to say in a long time, maybe ever. I am so excited to learn more about who I am in Him, and I’m pumped to see what He has in store for me. So much of the time, I get down, and I get sad, and I focus on the whole “God’s timing sucks” thing. But I get it! I know I’m headed for great things, and that is…you got it, exciting!

4. I feel like I just started a brand new life. My husband and I just moved from central Austin to a location in the “Urban Hill Country” a little bit west of downtown. The new apartment is airy, open, sunny, and it already feels more like home than our last place ever did. We are committed to staying there for a long time. We’re also committed to getting to know our neighbors and creating lasting friendships. It is my hope that people will see something different in us, and we’ll be able to tell them about God’s love.

See? I told you it was exciting!

Of course, not everything is happy-go-lucky. We’re facing some serious challenges right now, actually. My husband was rear-ended at about 40 mph, and his car was totaled. I have degenerative disc disease, and am facing the possibility of another surgery to fix my back. But hey, adversity makes us stronger, right? At least that’s what I’m told. Things may not be perfect right now, but I’m hopeful, and I’m looking forward to the next year of life with a big smile on my face.